Anxiety. I have dealt with anxiety for as long as I can remember. As most of us who suffer from anxiety, and the devastating effects of panic attacks know that it completely overwhelms you. There are times in my life that I can remember being in the midst’s of a panic attack that I couldn’t see or know the way out. Lucky for me, I am currently on medication for anxiety and related issues cause by my illness of being bi-polar. Through medication, therapy, and my mindfulness practice, I have been able to know when anxiety roots its ugly head in my life and how to combat it. Today, I would like to write about my most recent panic attack that occurred during my morning commute while riding my Moto Morini. If there was ever a WORST time for a panic attack, then when riding a two-wheel machine might be one of them.
Friday morning, I woke up early and decided to end the work week with a commute to the office with my motorcycle. The weather was perfect. I took it upon myself to be patient with my morning routine and allow myself the most time to prepare for the 20-mile ride into work. I practiced a brief breathing exercise to slow my nerves. Dressed slowly. Packed efficiently. Then opening the garage door did a slow walk thru of everything I would need to do to crank up the Moto Morini and hit the road. Unbeknownst to me, that 10 minutes after I left my mom’s house, I would be crippled with anxiety that caused me to lose focus while operating a 500-pound machine at speeds of 50 mph.
Leaving my mom’s house all the boxes were checked. My sling bag was fitted nicely to my motorcycle jacket with everything I needed for the office. My helmet fit perfectly, and my clear eyewear were comfortably mounted on my head providing me with a great view for an early morning departure. My riding jeans and shoes anchored me to my bike. “I got this!” I said out load leaving the neighborhood. Everything was going smoothly. My technique was textbook, my speed respectful of the law. Then my headlight showed the long road to the Cosgrove Bridge. Weaving myself through some heavy early morning traffic, I positioned myself safety to descend upon the Cosgrove Bridge. As I was approaching the bridge, my mind began overacting to my surroundings and my anxiety began to surface.
I immediately recognized my old friend. Yet I couldn’t slow my anxiety down as I turned up the throttle to move with the flow of traffic. The closer and closer I got to the Cosgrove Bridge, the more my heart started beating and soon my anxiety evolved into a blown panic attack. Fear. It is as simple as that. I was completely scared about being on my bike before sunrise, in traffic, crossing a large bridge. Then, on instinct, my mindfulness practice stepped in. THANK GOD. I quickly started my breathing exercises focusing on my breath and nothing else. I ascended the bridge, taking deep breaths. I turned my head to look at the beautiful sunrise over the Ashley River and a calming sensation came over me. I descended the Cosgrove Bridge and arrived safely in North Charleston.
Learning to harness my mindfulness practice while motorcycling is a huge step for me. It can get lonely on a bike. Especially for someone with mental health issues. Yet, that doesn’t stop me from doing what I love to do. I believe in time, my anxiety will subside, and I will be more relaxed on my bike. Yet that commute pushed me into a new mindset while riding. One that occurred with fear and ended with triumph. And that is life. The risks we take will have outcomes that will reward us, scare us, and ultimately push us to new heights.
Rolf